My writing this morning is motivated by a jumble of thoughts, impressions and loose threads that are offering themselves for organization. I don’t know if I shall achieve that organization although I do know that the process of writing often helps me sort through such cognitive hotchpotches!
I am also motivated by the comments that my last post has attracted. Ellumbra (Tim) and Barque have made suggestions and shared views about my journey of discovery (of the meaning) of the ‘soul’. I do appreciate their interest and input and am taking all of it on board. In the meantime, I have been re-reading some of James Hillman’s writings on the soul as well as scouring the web and various spiritual texts for soul-maps and signs. I shall be sharing these as I go along. For now, however, let me attempt to sort through my jumble.
One of the things that has lately prompted me to go ‘soul-searching’ has been my recent experiences in my country of birth which I left over thirty years ago! Although I have returned to visit Malaysia many times in those thirty-odd years, this latest visit has been different in at least two ways: By the time I return to my home in Brisbane, Australia next week, I will have spent just over a month here. That is the longest visit I would have had, the others usually lasting no more than 2 weeks.
The other difference, and perhaps this is related to the first, is that I have felt such a depth of emotion this time which has been less to do with family and more to do with the ‘essence’ of this place, the ‘soul’ of this place if you like! (Yes, there I go again, using a word I am not really sure I know the meaning of, yet sensing that it holds the meaning I intend :-)).
Perhaps the length of my stay has given my mind-heart-soul enough time to reach into a deeper layer of experience and emotions…I attempted to capture these in a couple of posts some weeks ago at one of my other blogs. If you’re interested you could read Helplessly Fascinated and That Window in My Heart at Longings, Enchantments and Sacred Space.
Bittersweet emotions, tugs at the heartstrings, unexpected moments when I find myself gazing into the distance of time at such imagery that remains startlingly close. So vivid that I am fearful of being imprisoned once more in a place that I could not wait to escape all those years ago! And yet, there is a tenderness there:
I feel I am losing myself as my senses heighten and I wonder why I feel like I am teetering on the edge of pain, as if my next breath would cause me to free-fall into an interminable abyss? And yet, do I not also sense a tenderness waiting for me there – a tenderness I am finding so very hard to resist?
(From Helplessly Fascinated at Longings, Enchantments and Sacred Space)
You see, I associate this tenderness with the soul and I associate this tendency to gaze, as if with vacant eyes, on the stirrings of the soul. Gazing which, if I am not vigilant, could slide into brooding, for deep within, there is a darkness that hangs like a veil over the face of ancient secrets. A darkness that somehow, despite the warnings of my rational mind, draws me to it. It doesn’t force. It just makes its presence felt and I find myself going weak, helplessly yielding to it…
I suspect it is this darkness that I wish to explore, to become familiar with, to befriend. It is a darkness quite different to, say, the negativity of mundane thoughts and emotions which tend to hold an energy of fear and anger. Rather, this darkness is alluring, suspended like fine mist, yet filled with the promise of enchantment, so that I cannot help feeling that, by yielding to it, I am well and truly on the soul-trail!
Love Always, Lucy
How shall I serve you, my Love?
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