There are no problems

Most of us use and hear the word ‘problem’ with varying degrees of discomfort. In general, we would rather not have ‘problems’ in our lives.

There are exceptions to this of course. The crossword puzzle enthusiast, the Sudoku specialist, the ardent inventor, the chess-master and such others just hang out for a head-scratching, pencil-twirling, thumb-sucking, foot-tapping ‘problem’. For these people, there is joy indeed to be distilled along the highways and byways between ‘problem’ and ’solution’.

But the problem situations that I am concerned with here are not of this nature. Rather, they are the type that wear us down, disturb our sense of wellbeing and sometimes, even erode our confidence and sense of self-worth.

In fact, you may have noticed yourself, that it does not take much to upset your rather heavily-loaded and precariously balanced ‘applecart’ aka life!

Let me share some examples:

I am having a rather joyful and productive day when my nearly-twenty daughter mentions something that she is planning to do with some friends. In seconds, I begin to feel anxious. I start to mentally consider the risks. I feel it is my duty to tell her what I think. My sense of peace and joy feel threatened. I don’t feel that I will be satisfied until I know that she agrees with what I am almost exploding to tell her.

A client bursts into tears as she relates the details of a family situation. “Why does he set out to hurt me?” she sobs. Clearly, she is not happy and won’t be until ‘he’ behaves the way she wants him to.

The choir is rehearsing for the church service that is about to begin in fifteen minutes. There are several new pieces and none of those present feel confident enough to cantor. One of the members is getting anxious. “I cannot do this” he keeps repeating. Meanwhile the rest are trying to push on. He remains stuck in “I cannot do this”.

In each of these examples, the ‘problem’ can be defined as a situation which is considered ‘undesirable’ and to that extent, we hold it responsible for the way we feel, which, put simply, is ‘not good’. And until we stop feeling ‘not good’ and start feeling ‘good’, we will remain encumbered by this ‘problem’.

Let us examine some of the assumptions we make when we decide we have a ‘problem’:

Assumption 1: Something is a problem when it does not match my view of the world, my beliefs and my preferences and when I feel a need to change it to match my worldview, beliefs and preferences.

Assumption 2: I see the problem as being ‘out there’.

Assumption 3: Because I see the problem as ‘out there’, I set about trying to change and manipulate those people and things ‘out there’.

Assumption 4: When I have changed the people and/or situation to suit my worldview, beliefs and preferences, I will feel happy.

Assumption 5: Happiness or a sense of relief is desirable.

Assumption 6: My happiness and wellbeing is determined by the people and things ‘out there’.

Now, I know that as you read this list of assumptions, you might be mentally disagreeing with one or more of them. You might be thinking one or both of the following:

1) That is not true.

2) That is not what I think/believe

The fact is, most of us are not even aware of what we truly believe. When faced with propositions like the assumptions above, most of us are likely to shake our heads and very sincerely say: Well, of course that is not true.

Why are we able to do this? Because, when we sit removed from a particular problem, our rational mind is able to see things a little more clearly or objectively.

But, if we were to sit down and reflect as calmly and honestly as we can on the way we have handled ‘problems’ in the past, we will find that our actions reflect many, if not all, of the assumptions listed.

The difference between what we think we believe (and even think we want to believe) and what we actually believe is the difference between what psychology refers to as ‘espoused’ beliefs and ‘tacit’ beliefs. We are generally more aware of the former and less aware of the latter.

Most of the assumptions that we make in life are anchored in tacit beliefs; they remain mostly hidden from us. We don’t realize that we have them but they do dictate the way we see the world and act in and on it.

I shall write more about espoused and tacit beliefs in another article. For now, I want to stay with the assumptions we make about ‘problems’ and question each of them. I would then like to propose an alternative way of looking at things.

Assumption 1: Something is a problem when it does not match my view of the world, my beliefs and my preferences and when I feel a need to change it to match my worldview, beliefs and preferences.

In evaluating the validity of this assumption, here are some questions that I need to ask myself:

1. How have I acquired my beliefs, preferences and worldview?
2. Did I acquire them as an informed, consenting adult or did I acquire them as inheritance from my social, cultural and/or religious upbringing?
3. Have I ever examined my beliefs freely and openly?
4. Have I allowed myself to change my beliefs when I have found them to be invalid, unhelpful or disempowering?
5. Am I certain that the beliefs that I hold are the only ones I could hold for the rest of my life?
6. If I seek to make people and things conform to my beliefs and preferences, could it be because I consider their beliefs and preferences less valid or important than mine?
7. Do my beliefs help me move towards a greater sense of wellbeing and power regardless of what happens around me? If they don’t, how helpful are my beliefs to me?

Assumption 2: I see the problem as being ‘out there’.

The truth is, the anger, frustration, fear, panic, hurt, unhappiness etc that I feel is not ‘out there’. It is right here in my own mind. What sense does it make to try and change the things ‘out there’ when it is the things ‘in here’ that really require shifting?

It’s not a lot different to moving the lounge room furniture or eating food that I don’t need when I am feeling depressed. Now, I won’t deny that, sometimes, these things can bring temporary relief. But temporary relief is not a long-term solution, is it?

The ’solution’ really then is related to my feelings and what I wish to do about them rather than the people and situations external to me.

Assumption 3: Because I see the problem as ‘out there’, I set about trying to change and manipulate the people and things ‘out there’.

I need to accept that other people have their own worldviews, beliefs and preferences and that just like me, they wish to live their lives according to them. I neither have the right nor (in most cases) the ability to force change upon them, no more than they have on me. But I certainly have the right and ability to make changes within myself and this is where true power lies!

If I stop seeing the problem as ‘out there’ and begin to focus on what is happening within me i.e. my thoughts and feelings, then I have reclaimed control over the situation. I know that the reason I am feeling ‘not good’ is because of the feelings of fear, anxiety, hurt, jealousy etc that I am experiencing.

Assumption 4: When I have changed the people and/or situation to suit my worldview, beliefs and preferences, I will feel happy.

If my happiness or sense of wellbeing depends on what others do, then it is not reliable, is it? How can it be when I neither have the right nor the ability to control others? Would I rather not be happy regardless of anyone and anything?

Is this possible? You bet it is!

In fact, true happiness always is independent of anyone or anything. It is our natural state. It is how we are when we let go of our habitual thoughts, beliefs, feelings etc. Don’t take my word for it though. Give yourself the experience of letting your thoughts, beliefs, opinions and feelings simply go.

Let them float along like clouds in the sky or leaves down a river. Sit still and let them arise and fall away as they naturally would. See how you feel when that happens. Your natural great peace and joy will emerge from under those thoughts and feelings!

Assumption 5: Happiness or a sense of relief is desirable.

Well, obvious as this truth may seem now, it’s almost unbelievable how we lose sight of it!

I remember having a conversation with a very learned and elderly gentleman. He had been a magistrate and was now semi-retired, teaching part-time at a local university. He expressed his belief that life without problems would be life-threateningly boring, a comment precipitated by my claim that we all desire happiness.

“Oh”, he exclaimed, appalled at the perceived threat of happiness, “I would get desperately bored. I need a challenge, something to get the juices going”.

I smiled back, and when he had finished, asked: “When you do have a challenge and you set about meeting it, how do you feel?”

It was then that the penny dropped! “Oh well, if you put it that way…”.

Often, we find ourselves so caught up in the action part of life – doing, fighting, acquiring, accumulating, planning, creating, motivating etc – that we forget why we are doing anything!

Everything we do, without exception, is driven ultimately by our desire to be happy.

If you are having trouble accepting that, I would encourage you to reflect on it again and again. Recognizing this truth could be one of the most enlightening and empowering experiences in your life. It certainly was for me. More than anything else, it has helped me question why I do anything that I do and it has helped me recognize the true value of anything that I do.

Let me explain. Knowing that I am constantly being driven by my desire for happiness forces me to reflect on what I believe is the source or cause of happiness. And each time I reflect on this, I come to the same conclusion: My happiness is not dependent on anything or anyone. It is simply how I naturally am. I cannot acquire happiness. I can only allow it.

When I am reminded of this, I am able to allow myself to be guided to do only those things that allow me to be happy. This is completely different to doing something or demanding something because it is going to make me happy. Rather, it is doing something because it allows me to realize my natural joy/happiness.

This kind of thinking and doing does not demand anything of anyone, including myself, or anything! On the contrary, it invites me to travel further into the greatness and beauty, the love and joy that I naturally am.

There are no rewards here. No extrinsic motivators or drivers. The only motivator or driver is the inner state of happiness. Whether you are aware of it or not, this has always been the motivator, the driver, but we have lost sight of it and mistake other things and people for it.

Assumption 6: My happiness and wellbeing is determined by the people and things ‘out there’.

If I can see that:

1. Happiness is my nature
2. I cannot make myself happy by doing anything to myself or to anyone or anything else. I can only allow my true nature to be what it is – happy, joyful, peaceful, loving
3. Everything that I do, without exception, is driven by my desire to be happy

then, I can begin to see that situations that I typically regard as problematic are really nothing more than events. In and of themselves, they have no claim on my state of wellbeing. They are merely ‘happenings’ to which I have been conditioned to react in certain ways, erroneously believing that they threaten my happiness. They don’t.

What prevents me from experiencing my natural state of happiness are my assumptions/beliefs about myself and the world. Eventually, I realize that there are no ‘problems’, only people/situations/events/happenings to which I react. And choosing how I react is one of the most empowering, liberating and happiness-allowing things I could possibly do!