Image from Ken Rockwell.
When so many areas of your life seem to be a source of unhappiness, what do you do? Below is a letter I received from a man who is clearly having trouble finding that rainbow of happiness. Read what he says and what I have to offer as advice.
Hi Lucy,
I feel unhappy most of the time.
I am almost 50 and work as a biochemical engineer. I have lived on my own for about 10 years but previously was with a woman for 14 years. I have been in a few relationships since but have been too scared to settle down again.
I don t want to feel unhappy. I know it affects my relationships with people and in particular I think it prevents me from attracting women.
M job is very demanding and yet I am very good at proving numerous solutions and making a significant contribution. I did receive the best appraisal last year but the job can leave me drained. The problem is I find it difficult to switch off from work. In particular one colleague demands too much of me and it puts stress on me. I have discussed this with my manager and explained I wanted to leave. I can perform really excellent and then if something upsets me I just want to escape.
I feel really sad when I am in a night club and everyone seems to be talking to each other and I am left out. I do occasionally have success in talking to women but its not long before I am on my own again or I can just talk to few regular friends.
When I visit my Mum it upsets me to see her not well. I do try to help her and when I leave I usually feel down because she is depressed with her life now.
I do have fears which I have never really overcome such as travelling on planes, going in lifts, seeing the doctor, …
This is not the answer but when I have had a few drinks I don t seem to worry the same, have more confidence can smile and laugh and meet people easier. This is only temporary.
I want to be happier and not let pressures get to me.
Please can you help
Regards
Eric
Dear Eric
The first thing I’d like to do is invite you to read your letter to me. Just sit back and read it as if it were someone else’s. How do you feel?
Now this may seem obvious and perfectly understandable to you (it certainly does to me) but your letter only mentions the things that are not going well for you J. “Well, of course”, I can almost hear you say, “why else would I be writing to you!!!”
My point in mentioning such an obvious thing is to make the following (obvious?) point: If you are *focused* on the things that you believe make you unhappy, can you possibly feel happy?
So, for starters, it’s important to recognize that the more of your attention you give to anything, the more of that thing you will experience. In recent years, this simple phenomenon has been expressed in terms of the ‘Law of Attraction’ (LOA).
The LOA works regardless of what you focus on – ‘good’ or ‘bad’, desired or despised. I invite you to seriously give some thought to how you are maintaining certain states/conditions/realities by giving them your attention, even if by way of not wanting them.
Thought is energy and wherever energy is directed, it will create outcomes. Thinking/dwelling about/on all the things that are not working well for you simply reinforces their presence, keeping you stuck in them. This is one of the most important things that we have to understand about how our mind works and how we create the circumstances in our lives.
I believe that by understanding this and using this understanding to direct your thinking/energy to *what you want*, you will begin to turn things around immediately. As I often say to my clients: Change is only and literally a thought away. If you are not convinced, try it out for yourself:
Take note of how you are feeling right now. Now think of an incident when you had a particularly bad experience (or a particularly good one). Notice what happens. Has your mood changed? Are you feeling differently?
The impact of our thoughts on our emotional and physiological states is instantaneous and corresponds to the strength of the thought (determined by the attention we give it) and the frequency of that thought.
I have deliberately said a lot about this because this is, by far, the most important factor in moving from unhappiness to happiness. It would be a waste of time trying to alter the external conditions in your life if the internal conditions remain intact because it is the internal condition that drives and creates the external.
The reason you make yourself a cup of coffee, for instance, is that you first thought about having a cup of coffee. It seems so obvious, yet because we underestimate the power of our thoughts we are often under their control instead of controlling them!
So, how does this relate to the situations you have described – your relationships with women, your feelings about your mother’s health, your work and colleague, your fears about flying etc? Where is the source of these situations? In your mind.
If I were mentoring you, I would teach you the techniques of observing your mind. However, there is no reason why you cannot start doing something yourself. Spend some time each day, say 5 minutes, simply watching your thoughts and feelings. Do not judge them. Do not try to get rid of them, deny, explain, justify or argue with them. Just watch them like a good scientist making observations and collecting data.
Watch how they rise in your mind and, if you let them, simply go away. That’s right, there is no reason why we should engage with every thought we have and take them seriously.
I once saw a bumper sticker that said: Don’t believe everything you think! What brilliant advice. Just because you think something doesn’t make it a reality. It will become a reality, however, if you continue to give it your attention/energy.
So, just watch your thoughts and feelings rising and falling away.
Another thing I would suggest you do is to make a note of the thoughts, beliefs and feelings you have around the various things you mentioned. For instance, regarding relationships, you may note the following:
- I would like to be in a relationship
- I think/believe it would make me happy
- I believe I am unhappy because I am not in a relationship
- I am afraid to be in a relationship
- When I think of being in a relationship, I feel scared. I also feel excited. I feel I’m not good enough. I feel…
- I am afraid to commit to a relationship because I have been hurt before
…and so on.
Really explore as many of your thoughts and feelings. You might want to do this over a period of time, say days. Next, for each of your thoughts and beliefs, ask yourself:
Is this true? Am I 100% certain that this is true? Is it always true?
Then ask yourself:
Does this thought, belief help me towards my goal? What is my goal? What do I really want? If, ultimately, I want to happy, then is this thought/belief helping me to be happy?
Now, here’s the best part: If the answer is No, then
FIND A THOUGHT AND BELIEF THAT DOES MAKE YOU HAPPY AND/OR THAT DOES TAKE YOU IN THE DIRECTION OF HAPPINESS!
Most of us don’t realize that we can CHOOSE OUR THOUGHTS AND OUR BELIEFS!!!! We are NOT condemned to the ones we have had or currently have! Yes, you can change your thoughts and you can choose the beliefs that support your true desires! In fact, that is the only way to bring about the changes that you want.
Okay Eric, I have gone on a bit. I trust you will find something useful in this. Feel free to contact me if I can be of further help.
Take charge of your mind! Now!
All the best, Lucy
