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This probably can’t be answered very easily, but how does one go about bringing (this type of) higher awareness to a loved one? I started out a while back by pointing things out to this person but then found that I should just lead by example. I continue to lead by my own example to be in balance and at peace, however I am still met with resistance from this loved one. If only they could partake in this. They have been so conditioned and I think like being in this state of, no control of the mind and how to shift your thoughts. I’ve often been called a Robot for not letting anger, depression, or other feelings spiral me out of control, which is just laughable. Any advice you could give on helping out a very close loved one in seeing that you can be happy and transform your life would be appreciated.

The above was a comment/question I received to my last post, Being happy means being powerful! I thought I would respond to it in a post rather than as a comment.

How do we help someone close to us who is unhappy and continues to remain so?  How do we share with them some of our personal insights?  How do we help them ‘transform’ their lives so they can life fully, freely and happily?  How do we indeed!

As I contemplated my response to this question, the thought of how some of humanity’s greatest teachers went about their work came to mind.  How did Jesus, Gandhi, Lao Tze, the Buddha, Rumi and others like them set about sharing their messages of freedom, love and hope with their contemporaries?  And just as importantly, if not more so, how did they think about themselves and their work?  Did they feel they were personally responsible for the happiness and freedom of their fellow human beings?  Did they believe that they needed to make things better for others or help them make things better?  I believe that these are really important questions to contemplate.

I certainly cannot speak for any of them but I can speak for myself.  In my life as a woman, mother, mentor, teacher, blogger/writer, I encounter numerous people, some ‘closer’ to me than others, who are less than ‘happy’.  Some of them may be chronically unhappy while others may be sporadically unhappy.  Some of them come to me specifically seeking help.  Others remain in my life as family, friends, acquaintances or ’strangers’ and may never approach me for help.

When I chose to do the work that I do, it was because I believed I had made a major breakthrough in my life, from being chronically unhappy (not necessarily depressed) and feeling powerless to maintaining a state of increasing happiness and equanimity, and I wanted to help others do the same.  That was and continues to be my motivation.

Knowing how wonderful it felt to be naturally and effortlessly happy and how awful and wearying it felt to be unhappy, restricted and fearful, I did not want to waste a moment or an opportunity to help others also experience happiness, freedom and power, all of which are natural attributes.

One of the things that I intuitively recognized, however, was that people had to be ready for what I had to offer them and not everyone who was unhappy, unfulfilled or suffering from anger or anxiety or guilt or powerlessness etc was ready.  In fact, when people ask me about the kinds of clients I get, I often rather cheerfully, but not without irony, answer that one of the ‘criteria’ they must fulfill (not one I’ve imposed but one they seem to have all met) is ‘an accumulation of enough suffering’!

Many people do not recognize how they are trapped within their own conditioning.  That said, I too continue to discover my own habits of conditioning that have thus far remained unrecognized, even as I continue in my journey of self-awareness, of awakening to the truth of who I am!

So, what are we to do?  The following are some key points or principles, if you like, that I believe we must be guided by.

#1 Be the change you wish to see

Gandhi put it so beautifully!  Being the change that you wish to see, as my reader, Larry, has realized, is crucial.  It is important for a number of reasons.  Firstly, it places us in the energy field or state of consciousness that is charged with power, happiness, unconditional love,  peace and limitless creativity.

This shift in consciousness can only happen when we ‘are’ the change. It can never happen by just talking about the change and sadly, that is what most of us spend a great deal of our energy doing, especially talking about what is ‘wrong’, ‘bad’, ‘unacceptable’ rather than what is ‘great’, ‘wonderful’ and ‘desirable’.

Secondly, as a result of being in this energy field, things and people around us cannot help but be affected whether they know it or not and whether they demonstrate it or not.

Thirdly, it enables us to interact with the world, the people and things in it in a much more enlightened way.  I shall elaborate on this in terms of my next point/principle:

#2 Threads of connection

We are connected with everything else by what I call ‘threads of connection’.  These threads are made up of all our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, expectations, likes and dislikes, attachments and aversions with respect to the person or thing.  In other words, these threads of connections are the barriers to the free flow of love/energy!  When we drop these threads of connection, we restore our relationship with others to how it naturally is – free, open and unconditional!

Now, some of these threads are so strong and have been in place for so long, they seem to define our relationship with another person.  If you reflect on your relationship with some of the people in your life, you will notice how each relationship might be dominated by certain ‘threads’ – particular likes, dislikes, expectations, beliefs etc, some more uniquely than others. Generally speaking, the ‘closer’ we are to a person, the stronger these threads of connection.


For instance, with one person, your relationship may be characterized by one of the stronger threads of connection such as dependency/learned helplessness.  You are more likely to feel weak, or allow yourself to feel weak and needy with this person.  Likewise, with another person, it might be trust.  With another, it might be anger and so on.

When we can drop these threads of connection, and the more of them we drop, the more we can relate freely, fully and unconditionally with another.  You will see the relevance of this when those of us who wish to ‘help’ others consider what threads of connection keep us in relationship with the person we wish to help.

Do we, for instance, need to see ‘results’/change?  Do we need to feel we have been ’successful’?  Do we feel that our ’suffering’ will be eased when the other person changes?  This is critical because these threads of expectations, needs etc are barriers to the free flow of energy/love between us and the person we seek to help.  I am certain that this is the main reason why, instead of coming into resonance with the  higher frequency which we (presumably) are at, the people we seek to help remain ‘blocked off ‘ from it.  People will always detect ‘tension’ in the threads of connection if there is any, sometimes consciously but most often unconsciously.

Typically, we tend to think that the other person is showing resistance but the threads of resistance must be connected to two ends, one of which you are holding!  I have noticed that the less I attach to outcomes (and any attachment is a barrier to the free flow of energy/love), the more freedom the other person feels in my presence and the more likely they are to come into ‘resonance’ i.e. to change!

#3 Acceptance

What is acceptance?  Acceptance is the recognition that everything as is, is okay, is perfect.  In other words, acceptance is dropping any quarrel we have with reality, whatever way this quarrel is expressed eg as disappointment, anxiety, impatience etc.  Acceptance is allowing ourselves and another complete freedom, freedom that is our true nature.

People find acceptance a rather difficult thing to do because we all want the world to be a certain way – our way!  In the process, we negate or undermine the way the world is!  In other words, we are in constant denial and/or quarrel with the way things are!  What a terrible waste of energy!  What boulders we effortfully place in the natural flow of love/energy!

Does acceptance mean we must remain stuck with what is?  Not at all!  By nature, we are creative, free-flowing energy and we are naturally predisposed to move, to change, to create!  And that is what we are capable of doing when we can disengage from any quarrels we have with the world and any attachments we have and simply flow in the energy of what we truly want!

#4 Remember, when you change the way you see things, things change!

If we see someone as helpless, unhappy, unfulfilled etc, chances are that is how they will continue to appear to us.  Those characteristic will be the strong threads of connection between us.  Choose therefore to see the person as the free, unconditioned, peaceful, joyous and powerful being that they truly are.  This may seem difficult but this is the ultimate truth about who they are and who we are.  Nothing else is true although our conditioning will persuade us otherwise.

The Hindu tradition has a beautiful greeting which is exchanged among people, a greeting that I often use in my meditation sessions.  It is the greeting of ‘Namaste’.  By holding the hands together at the chest/heart and saying ‘Namaste’, a word so profound in its meaning, we attempt to recognize in ourselves and others, the divine nature that we truly are:

NAMASTE

The divine/limitless/unconditioned/Brahman/god/Tao that I am greets and honors the  divine/limitless/unconditioned/Brahman/god/Tao that you are!

In this post, I have focused on what, I believe, is the most important aspect of helping others – keeping ourselves in the state of free-flow!  In my next post, I shall look at some of the actions that we might be guided to take when we keep ourselves in this state.

Thanks Larry for your great question and for sharing your experience.  I hope you and other readers will feel free to comment with further questions :)

Blessings!  Lucy

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