I have had a few clients who have suffered terribly from their inability to manage their anger effectively confirming what the Buddha had accurately observed:

You are not punished for your anger, you are punished by it.

In other words, our anger, and not the people or things we are angry with, causes our own suffering.

Aside from my clients’ experiences, I have enough experience of my own to realize how much our happiness is blocked by anger!  Put simply, you cannot possibly feel angry and happy at the same time!  And, if you do not know how to effectively deal with anger, it will remain a barrier to your happiness even without your being aware of it.  This latter is particularly important to bear in mind because its effects, short and long term can be particularly damaging.

I had a friend, a Catholic priest, who, in his late forties, suffered a stroke which severely reduced the mobility and strength of his left limbs.  He was fortunate that apart from that, he was able to recover fully from a temporary lapse of memory and speech impediment.  When I went to visit him shortly after hearing about his stroke, he shared his experience:

“There was XX (the name of a religious colleague) who had been at loggerheads with me for some time.  He just could not grasp my intention about YYY (some initiative that my friend had proposed) and he was determined to thwart my effort in getting this approved by the community of priests and laity.

On Wednesday night, after he left from our meeting, I found myself seething with rage.  The next thing I remember, I was trying to call YY (a mutual friend) to get him to take me to the hospital because I was not able to see or speak clearly and I had lost movement of my left arm and leg.

A few days later, when I was recovering in the hospital and able to speak properly, I noticed him approaching my bed from a distance.  I could feel my heart pounding and because they had me hooked up to the ECG machine and I could hear the change in the beeps and see the peaks on the screen, I knew I was not imagining things.  I knew I was letting him get to me and I realized then that I had to do something about it”.

There have been many studies done on the correlation between anger and heart disease, strokes and cancer but perhaps one of the more well-known ones is that done by Dr Dean Ornish (author of Love and Survival) in 1998.  One of the outcomes of that study was the recommendation that lifestyle changes together with psychosocial interventions could retard, if not reverse, the build-up to heart and other related diseases.  Some of these interventions include visualization and anger management.

So, why do we get angry?  On the surface, the reason is simple:  Things (including people) are not the way we want them to be.  On a deeper level, the reason is one of self-preservation in which we believe that our ability to control things around us is threatened.  When we believe we are losing control, we respond in anger, whether overtly or covertly.  In other words, anger has its roots in fear.

If you had suggested to my priest friend before he had the stroke that he had suppressed anger and that he was not dealing with it, he would have dismissed it.  After all, he was never angry with any of us!  Besides, our general impression of anger is one of explosive rage – raised voice, violence and other behaviors such as slamming doors and throwing objects.  But there is a less noticeable form of anger that continues to eat away at us even when we do not appear visibly angry and it can do as much, if not more damage than the other.

I have known several people who have claimed that they never get angry!  (I don’t think that even the Buddha or Jesus would have ever made that claim! ) And yet, I have seen how quickly their mood can turn, in some cases violently and in others, more covertly through sullenness, withdrawal or snide remarks.  Often, people will deny that they are angry or capable of getting angry because, to them, that would be an admission of losing control.

This brings me to one of the first things we must do if we want to be able to handle our anger effectively – we must acknowledge it when we feel it.  I would also suggest that we learn to acknowledge it even to those around us, should we be asked.  To acknowledge something is to face it and that in itself has a powerful effect in helping to bring it under control.

Acknowledging our anger does not at all mean admitting weakness.  On the contrary, it is a demonstration of strength!  You are strong enough to admit the truth!  Neither does acknowledging your anger make you weak or weaker.  Again, it actually evokes greater strength and confidence, the energy of which would otherwise be directed into covering up your anger and/or excusing your behavior and/or breaking out in angry behavior!

Next, understanding that anger is just one of many states that arise in our mental continuum is important.  Like sadness or guilt or jealousy, anger is just another state that arises in our mindstream and if dealt with appropriately, will dissipate.  It is no worse or better than any other.  It is when we hold on to our anger and allow it to consume us that we energize it!

Thirdly, understanding why we feel angry  is important.  Understanding and accepting that our way of seeing the world is not the only valid way is critical.  Understanding that our happiness does not depend on the world being just the way we want it to be is equally critical.  And finally, reflecting on how our anger hurts us and impacts on others WITHOUT allowing ourselves to plunge into guilt and self-chastisement is also necessary.

You will notice that the three things I’ve mentioned i.e.

Acknowledging and admitting our anger

Understanding the nature of our anger and our beliefs about ourselves and others and

Reflecting on the impact of our anger without self-chastisement and self-judgment

are things we do mentally.  Does this mean that there is nothing else that can be done, especially behaviorally?  Not at all.  But making behavioral changes without changing deep-seated beliefs and attitudes will not bring about long-lasting change.

In my next post, I shall discuss some of these behavioral changes.

In the meantime, I invite you to share your insights and experience with managing your anger :-)

Lucy Lopez

Awakening to Happiness!

a

I’d like to invite us to imagine. What if we were to view everything as neither right nor wrong but perfect? I invite you to really give that thought a chance to filter through your mind and heart. Would you find the world an easier place to live in? Would you feel more empowered? Would you feel more at peace with the world and all the people and situations in it?

I know that when I truly give this perspective a chance, I feel a great lifting of burdens, emotionally, mentally and even physically. I experience a great sense of peace and a quiet joy arises within me, a sense of equilibrium, or as they say in Buddhism, equanimity. I am effectively released from all the quarrels and misgivings I have held towards various people and events.

I consider this view a valid one because I am acutely aware, and increasingly so, that my view of the world, is from but one vantage point in a field of infinite vantage points. Thus, I can only see one tiny, pinhole view of events. It is a very limited view indeed. If I should allow this view to represent the total view possible, it would be a misrepresentation at best and a grand illusion at worst.

Some people consider this view a ‘cop-out’. “How can you ignore the reality of war, of poverty, of abuse etc?” they rage. Is all of that ‘perfect’?

When these sentiments are expressed, what we fail to realize is that we are merely substituting the word or idea of ‘right’ with the word ‘perfect’. That is not my purpose.

My purpose for using the word ‘perfect’ is not as a euphemism, a politically correct way of saying ‘right’, and by implication, still engaging in the duality of right and wrong. No, my purpose is a much grander one! It is one that I hope encourages us to accept the reality of the world – war happens, poverty happens, abuse happens. That is a reality. That reality is no more and no less. In that sense it is perfect.

What is more, that reality expresses a plethora of ideas, beliefs, interests, values, all of which arise from individual minds and hearts and not some phantom, indefinable ‘they’ or ‘us’. Are we prepared to examine our own minds and hearts to search for the basis, the beliefs, that underlie our personal views about this reality?

The Buddha made this profound observation:

With your thoughts, you create the world.

Ultimately, wars, poverty, abuse etc exist as a result of our thoughts, individual and collective. How we think of things creates them. So we have this rather intractable situation: We see war and we create it or create more of it. By quarreling with it, by fighting it, by condemning it, we create more of it because ‘war’ is building in our minds and hearts as a result of our thoughts!

On the other hand, by accepting the perfection of all things, that they are just so, we remain in peace. We maintain equanimity. This is a far better state from which to engage with the world, or should I say, this is a far better state with which to create the world!

Seeing the perfection of all things does not at all mean being indifferent or giving up. To begin with, there is nothing to ‘give up’ other than our internal wars! And rather than indifference, we now have a state of equanimity, of peace and quiet joy in which we can make clear, loving and creative choices. We can make the decision to act and speak and write lovingly and peacefully so that those whom we interact with experience only our peace and love. Such an experience has a flow-on, far-reaching effect (as does every experience). The person who experiences true peace and love and who maintains an inner state of the same can only radiate the same.

You are not going to get much good out of smacking a child or criticizing it. You only add to its internal unrest and ill-feeling. If we regard something as undesirable or unhelpful, than we can, from a place of peace and love, intend something else. This intention draws creative energy to it, energy which ultimately manifests as physical, material reality.

You really do not have to fight with or against anything in order to create something better or more desirable or more useful. But you do have to envision something better, intend it and allow its creative manifestation. Everything, without exception, no matter how abominable it may appear to the conditioned mind, is perfect in its presence, time and order. In the all-seeing mind, all is perfect.

Once again, I invite us to remember the words of Buckminster Fuller:

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.”

Love Always, Lucy
How shall I serve you, my Love?

For Online and Offline Mentoring/Meditation/Workshops/Retreats Contact lucy@lucylopez.net
If you enjoyed this article, please share it with others by clicking on one or more of the links below. Thank you!
Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Reddit

a