In a world of potentially infinite demands on our time and personal resources, it would be suicidal not to establish repeating parameters within which we can manage our most basic needs.  Such routines not only make the difference between survival and crash and burn but also help us develop efficiencies along the way.

Quite simply, instead of having to make a decision everyday and possibly several times a day about whether to have breakfast, lunch or dinner, our brains are programmed to anticipate, prepare and consume these meals at particular times each and every day.  It is a huge saving on our mental and emotional resources!

Likewise, being programmed to go to work five days a week from 9am to 5pm is another efficiency many of us have developed.  It pays off for most people at least in terms of the income it generates and the boredom it seems to save us from.

Or take brushing your teeth after every meal or at least twice a day.  Because it’s become routine, our mental and emotional resources that would otherwise have to go into making a decision about it every day, are instead available for other more creative uses.

By and large, the greatest efficiency we gain as a result of routines relates to decision making.  As you have probably experienced, decision-making without a background of repeated/automated decisions i.e. routines, can be taxing on our mental and emotional resources.

When something out of the ordinary happens, such as a friend suggesting you go out for a drink after work, the brain expends more energy into helping you make a decision about it than it would if it remained on autopilot and sent you straight home.

In other words, non-routine decision-making is a lot more taxing that routine decision making and this is where the efficiency of routines is greatest, at least until the brain is trained for non-routine demands :)

However, we’ve all felt at some time in our lives, the dreariness and lifelessness of being ‘stuck in routines’.  Life can become lifeless and meaningless as we go through the motions from one day to the next while still holding out for some miraculous ‘save me from myself’ change or event to happe!  At the same time, we’re feeling increasingly despondent, if not depressed as our routines seem to suck us dry of joy juice!

Given that we live in a time and space-bound world, the ‘reality’ of limited time and space/resources is a pressing one.  Routines help us minimize the impact of this apparent limited nature of our time and resources.  For this reason, they are helpful and necessary for our survival.

But equally necessary for not just our survival but also our happiness is allowing our naturally creative and spontaneous nature to be expressed.  Routines, when used intelligently, can help apportion and direct resources (mental, emotional, spiritual and physical) to this natural flow of creative expression.  But, routines, when used slavishly, can impede, if not completely block the flow of creative expression.

This is the sort of thing that many of us face from time to time.  Instead of being efficient masters of our routines, we become unquestioning slaves to them, at least until we realize that we are doing too little ‘living’ or too much ‘surviving’.

Creative expression is the purpose of life.  It is the very nature of joy, of happiness!  It is what allows us to feel peaceful and enthusiastic at the same time!  It is the offspring of desire whose energy is love!

So, how do we ensure that our routines don’t suffocate us, blocking off the energy of love, the very force of life itself?  Well, it is important that we do something different everyday.  How?

Start by thinking different thoughts.  Remember that all our routine behaviours began at some point as routine thoughts, so pay attention to some of the familiar, routine thoughts that go through your mind.  Catch one of them and think something so completely different to it.

For example, one of the thoughts that I routinely have is: I need to write a blog post.  I can practice non-routine thinking by thinking:  I want to write a blog post that will make me smile and make my readers smile too.

Notice what this does.  Not only does it remove the unattractive imperative of having to write a blog post, it allows me to creatively explore an alternative way of joyfully writing a blog post!

Likewise, with a particular behaviour.  Instead of eating a meal off the same plate, try a different plate and try a different position at the table.  Who says you have to sit at the same place every meal?

In fact, changing places every now and again not only breaks the monotony, it also gives you a different perspective, both physically and mentally.  How?  Because all information in your brain is stored in networks of associations.  Change one piece of information and you are effectively shaking up and rearranging the network of associations.  Remember, it’s not information itself that is novel, it’s the organization, associations and interpretations that generate novelty.

I cannot begin to tell you the tremendous and far-reaching benefits of practicing non-routine thinking and acting.  Try them for yourself.  Start right now.  What would you typically/routinely do after reading a blog post like this?  Do something different instead.  See where that takes you.  If nothing else, it gives your brain something different to process and in that way, keeps it active and alert.

Making useful and creative changes in our lives doesn’t have to involve grand, largess actions or decisions.  Rather, it is through the small, seemingly insignificant, ‘routine’ things in life that we most easily express the creative influence of our life energy, our love, for our happiness and that of all else!


In other words, think of and use your routines not as boundaries to keep you safe and predictable but as the fertile ground within which are uncountable seeds of creative expression waiting to be noticed and nurtured by you!

Go do it now!

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The power of the universe is within you.

The very power that has brought all things into being.

The same power that keeps you alive and that you create with – all the things that you want as well as the things that you don’t.

There is no other power.

Use it to bring all that you desire into being.

Not in 10 years or 5 or even 1.

Right now.

Use the power now.

It’s yours.  It has never not been.

Blessings

Lucy

Awakening to Power!

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The kids,  mostly 12-13 year olds, were eager to try out what they’d just learned – a new sequence of moves in attack and defense.  They were especially keen as today, they had the attention of their instructor, the head Sensei, (teacher) who had just demonstrated the moves.

At 63, he was nothing short of a paragon of fitness, fine craft, a rich stockpile of humor to match the range of age groups his students spanned, and, as I was to observe yet again, a source of wisdom.

Having had about 5 minutes of practice, the boys were called to attention.  Sensei made some general comments and then asked a pair to demonstrate the moves for the others to observe and critique.

When they’d completed their demonstration, Sensei asked for feedback.   A couple of the boys offered something which Sensei repeated to the group and used to further explain the martial art.  He thanked them.

One young lad then said something which I did not hear, sitting as I was, outside the training area in a section designated for parents who wanted to watch their kids train.  The child’s comment, however, brought on a round of  laughter but it was quickly muted by Sensei’s grave tone.

“Don’t try to make yourself bigger by making someone else smaller”

I was struck by this unexpected wisdom.  ‘Unexpected’ because I had different expectations of the benefits of karate lessons from Sensei. I knew he was good at his craft and well-respected for it but this incident provided me with yet another reason why he had gained an enviable reputation.

I suppose you could say that Sensei was a master of not only the physical and technical skills of his martial art but also its spiritual and psychological wisdom.

“Don’t try to make yourself bigger by making someone else smaller”

It’s a lesson I have frequently reminded my son of.  You see, he was among those kids fortunate enough to experience Sensei’s wisdom.

It’s something that I have often reminded myself of and shared with my clients.

How many times have you ‘made yourself bigger by making someone else smaller’?  If not overtly with teasing, sarcasm, cynicism or condemnation, covertly through the commentary running silently and ceaselessly in your head?

How many times do you judge?  In a day?  In an hour?  How often do you claim, consciously or otherwise, superiority, whether of intellect, professional ability or personal virtue?

“I would never do what he did”

“She is such a hypocrite”

“He thinks he is so smart”

“What right has she got to say that?”

“He has no idea…”

Every time  you  think such thoughts, you are claiming your superiority over another.  Their error, shortcoming or vice is your pedestal of superiority, of ‘better than’.  If it were not, you would not have such thoughts!

More importantly, if you had no need for that false sense of superiority, you would not entertain such thoughts, such judgments.  And yes, it is false.

It happens mostly unconsciously.  It happens largely because we have learned to see others in this way, through the distorting lens of judgment. I assure you, it is not natural.  Common, yes.  ‘Normal’, yes.  But ‘natural’, most assuredly not.

Can we change?  Can we learn to see others differently?  Oh yes.  Absolutely, yes!  It’s about  ‘seeing things as they truly are‘ – a marvelous Buddhist injunction.

Seeing without judgment or blame.  Sticking to facts by replacing thoughts such as

‘He is arrogant’ with ‘He said/did..xyz’  or

‘I would never do what she did’ with ‘Only she knows what she did and the circumstances surrounding her action. My decision not do something like that is best based on how I feel and what my motivation is, not on what she or anyone else has done or not done’

Stick with the facts.  Leave the judgments out.  Observe others behaviors not for the purpose of claiming superiority but to explore yourself, your motivations, your defenses, your biases.

The happy mind is the mind that is free from judgment.  Choose a happy mind.

Blessings,
Lucy Lopez

Awakening to Happiness!

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I had a pretty remarkable realization yesterday.  I was out with my nephew who has been holidaying with me.  We were in a part of the Gold Coast hinterland viewing a tunnel of historic interest built in 1885.  It was a rather short tunnel, about 30 meters.

So, there I stood, a short distance in front of the entrance of the tunnel as my nephew started walking ahead.  I was struck by the stark contrast between the darkness inside the tunnel and the brilliant afternoon sunlight at either ends of it.

Despite the contrast, however, I was able to see the tall, uneven, yellowy-brown sides of the tunnel and the darker dirt ground.  But it was only as I began walking through the tunnel myself that the impact of this contrast hit me.

As I approached the middle of the tunnel, wondering aloud to my nephew how cave men and women must have lived in similar cavities like this hundreds of thousands of years ago, I was stopped abruptly in my tracks.

I couldn’t see anything around me as the darkness was thick and full.  I immediately began to feel fearful.  This despite the two bright sun-drenched entrances to this short tunnel that were in full view to me!

I was overcome with amazement and incredulity.  Here I was, in the middle of this very short tunnel feeling afraid of the darkness when, only seconds ago, I had been at the entrance able to see the inside of the tunnel, a view which gave me absolutely no reason to fear being inside it!

For a few seconds, I remained motionless, afraid to put a foot forward… in case…Fortunately, I became quickly aware of the absurdity of my fear.  For goodness sake, I thought, I only need to look up and focus on the….

light at the end of the tunnel

to give me the direction I need to keep walking!

You cannot imagine my astonishment and the awe I felt upon this most direct, palpable realization of a truth that had thus far remained largely metaphorical in my mind…

I can tell you that there have been many, many moments or periods in my life when I have felt rooted to the ground with fear, sadness and desolation.  At those times, I have forgotten to simply look up and focus on the light, focusing instead on the very fear, sadness and desolation that was preventing me from moving forward!

Increasingly, however, through meditation/mindfulness i.e. by maintaining an awareness of what my mind is doing, I am able to much more rapidly recognize when I have lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel and therefore, quickly continue to move in the direction of what I desire, which is to be happy!

Admittedly, over the years, my tendency to lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel has been largely replaced by my desire to focus on being happy!

So, how about you?  Do you find yourself losing sight of the light at the end of the tunnel?  How do you recover from such ‘blindness’ and how long does it take you?

Blessings!

Lucy Lopez

Awakening to Happiness!

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When so many areas of your life seem to be a source of unhappiness, what do you do? Below is a letter I received from a man who is clearly having trouble finding that rainbow of happiness. Read what he says and what I have to offer as advice.

Hi Lucy,

I feel unhappy most of the time.

I am almost 50 and work as a biochemical engineer.  I have lived on my own for about 10 years but previously was with a woman for 14 years. I have been in a few relationships since but have been too scared to settle down again.

I don t want to feel unhappy. I know it affects my relationships with people and in particular I think it prevents me from attracting women.

M job is very demanding and yet I am very good at proving numerous solutions and making a significant contribution. I did receive the best appraisal last year but the job can leave me drained. The problem is I find it difficult to switch off from work. In particular one colleague demands too much of me and it puts stress on me. I have discussed this with my manager and explained I wanted to leave. I can perform really excellent and then if something upsets me I just want to escape.

I feel really sad when I am in a night club and everyone seems to be talking to each other and I am left out. I do occasionally have success in talking to women but its not long before I am on my own again or I can just talk to few regular friends.

When I visit my Mum it upsets me to see her not well. I do try to help her and when I leave I usually feel down because she is depressed with her life now.

I do have fears which I have never really overcome such as travelling on planes, going in lifts, seeing the doctor, …

This is not the answer but when I have had a few drinks I don t seem to worry the same, have more confidence can smile and laugh and meet people easier. This is only temporary.

I want to be happier and not let pressures get to me.

Please can you help

Regards

Eric

Dear Eric

The first thing I’d like to do is invite you to read your letter to me.  Just sit back and read it as if it were someone else’s.  How do you feel?

Now this may seem obvious and perfectly understandable to you (it certainly does to me) but your letter only mentions the things that are not going well for you J.  “Well, of course”, I can almost hear you say, “why else would I be writing to you!!!”

My point in mentioning such an obvious thing is to make the following (obvious?) point:  If you are *focused* on the things that you believe make you unhappy, can you possibly feel happy?

So, for starters, it’s important to recognize that the more of your attention you give to anything, the more of that thing you will experience.  In recent years, this simple phenomenon has been expressed in terms of the ‘Law of Attraction’ (LOA).

The LOA works regardless of what you focus on – ‘good’ or ‘bad’, desired or despised.  I invite you to seriously give some thought to how you are maintaining certain states/conditions/realities by giving them your attention, even if by way of not wanting them.

Thought is energy and wherever energy is directed, it will create outcomes.  Thinking/dwelling about/on all the things that are not working well for you simply reinforces their presence, keeping you stuck in them.  This is one of the most important things that we have to understand about how our mind works and how we create the circumstances in our lives.

I believe that by understanding this and using this understanding to direct your thinking/energy to *what you want*, you will begin to turn things around immediately.  As I often say to my clients: Change is only and literally a thought away.  If you are not convinced, try it out for yourself:

Take note of how you are feeling right now.  Now think of an incident when you had a particularly bad experience (or a particularly good one).  Notice what happens.  Has your mood changed?  Are you feeling differently?

The impact of our thoughts on our emotional and physiological states is instantaneous and corresponds to the strength of the thought (determined by the attention we give it) and the frequency of that thought.

I have deliberately said a lot about this because this is, by far, the most important factor in moving from unhappiness to happiness.  It would be a waste of time trying to alter the external conditions in your life if the internal conditions remain intact because it is the internal condition that drives and creates the external.

The reason you make yourself a cup of coffee, for instance, is that you first thought about having a cup of coffee.  It seems so obvious, yet because we underestimate the power of our thoughts we are often under their control instead of controlling them!

So, how does this relate to the situations you have described – your relationships with women, your feelings about your mother’s health, your work and colleague, your fears about flying etc?  Where is the source of these situations?  In your mind.

If I were mentoring you, I would teach you the techniques of observing your mind.  However, there is no reason why you cannot start doing something yourself.  Spend some time each day, say 5 minutes, simply watching your thoughts and feelings.  Do not judge them.  Do not try to get rid of them, deny, explain, justify or argue with them.  Just watch them like a good scientist making observations and collecting data.

Watch how they rise in your mind and, if you let them, simply go away.  That’s right, there is no reason why we should engage with every thought we have and take them seriously.

I once saw a bumper sticker that said: Don’t believe everything you think!  What brilliant advice.  Just because you think something doesn’t make it a reality. It will become a reality, however, if you continue to give it your attention/energy.

So, just watch your thoughts and feelings rising and falling away.

Another thing I would suggest you do is to make a note of the thoughts, beliefs and feelings you have around the various things you mentioned.  For instance, regarding relationships, you may note the following:

• I would like to be in a relationship
• I think/believe it would make me happy
• I believe I am unhappy because I am not in a relationship
• I am afraid to be in a relationship
• When I think of being in a relationship, I feel scared.  I also feel excited.  I feel I’m not good enough.  I feel…
• I am afraid to commit to a relationship because I have been hurt before

…and so on.

Really explore as many of your thoughts and feelings.  You might want to do this over a period of time, say days.  Next, for each of your thoughts and beliefs, ask yourself:

Is this true?  Am I 100% certain that this is true?  Is it always true?

Then ask yourself:

Does this thought, belief help me towards my goal?  What is my goal?  What do I really want?  If, ultimately, I want to happy, then is this thought/belief helping me to be happy?

Now, here’s the best part:  If the answer is No, then

FIND A THOUGHT AND BELIEF THAT DOES MAKE YOU HAPPY AND/OR THAT DOES TAKE YOU IN THE DIRECTION OF HAPPINESS!

Most of us don’t realize that we can CHOOSE OUR THOUGHTS AND OUR BELIEFS!!!!  We are NOT condemned to the ones we have had or currently have!  Yes, you can change your thoughts and you can choose the beliefs that support your true desires!  In fact, that is the only way to bring about the changes that you want.

Okay Eric, I have gone on a bit.  I trust you will find something useful in this.  Feel free to contact me if I can be of further help.

Take charge of your mind!  Now!

All the best, Lucy

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When looking to help someone step out of their conditioned habits and get into the flow of their natural happiness and peace, it is important that we are mindful of our own conditioned habits, our ‘threads of connection’ and our motivations for wanting to help a person change.  I wrote about all of this in my post, How do we help others to be happy.

Presuming we have done all this (and even then, it is important to always maintain an inner vigilance on ourselves), we may be guided to certain actions or behaviors in relation to the person we seek to help.  Before I go into this, I want to stress that we must never forget or undermine the perfect order and timeliness of all things and that no one, no matter how much we believe them to be in need, must be coerced in any way or put pressure on, to change.

We must recognize that it is our judgment about another person that causes us to see them as ‘less than’ or ‘in need of change’.  No matter how justified we may feel in our judgment, we must always respect the other person’s right to self-determination. It is best therefore to take action with the motivation that such action will allow you to enjoy greater peace and joy around this person rather than to get them to change or improve or be more happy.  This is what is meant by the unconditionality of our love.

That said,  what might some of these actions/behaviors be?  I would like to underscore the following suggestions with this first suggestion – be guided by your inner wisdom, and I do mean inner wisdom rather than egoic mind.  The following are some of the actions/behaviors that I have been guided to take/adopt when I have followed my inner wisdom:

Heart Listening – really listening with my heart to what the other person is saying.  This means staying absolutely present by listening, as if for the first time, to what the other has to say.  Often, we listen with the filters of history such that, rather than listening fully, our mind is thinking

“Here we go again!”

“Same ol’, same ol’!”

“I wish s/he would just stop doing that!”

“I hate this!”

“I really don’t deserve this!” etc etc

When we listen with our heart, we have a sincere interest in what the person is saying without assuming we already know and understand everything they could possibly say.  It’s the kind of listening we do when we meet someone whom we are really attracted to for the first time.  We are keen not to miss anything and because it is all so new and exciting, we are less likely to be judgmental.  On the contrary, we are so eager to listen and accept whatever that person is saying!

That is exactly how we need to listen to the person we are so familiar with to the point of believing they have nothing new to tell us.  They may not, but perhaps we may have something new to hear!  More than likely, their suffering or resentment or negativity is at least, in part, due to the fact that nobody, especially the person whom they most need to be heard by i.e. you/me,  is prepared to really listen to them with an open mind!

Heart Questioning – When we listen with the heart, we are also likely to question with the heart.  It’s the kind of questioning that arises from genuine interest/curiosity.  It is not the kind of questioning aimed at gathering enough evidence to argue or prove a point.  That should never be our purpose.  Rather, the purpose of our questioning is to truly get to know the person beyond the preconceived ideas and beliefs and ‘threads of connection’ we have constructed in relation to them!  (By the way, I cover all of this in greater detail and provide exercises, reflections and meditations to help with ‘listening in love’ in The Love Course :-))

Honor the sameness that you share with the other person and focus on this rather than on any difference.  This is particularly important because holding a sense of superiority or feeling sympathy tends to create power differentials which are detected, often unconsciously, by the other person.  Even if you do not consciously wish to do this, it is easy to slip into this mindset.  Therefore, examine your attitude and your mannerisms of speech and behavior when you are interacting with the person concerned.  Would you treat someone whom you have great respect and affection for the same way?  It is really important to be uncompromisingly honest here!

Refuse to allow history to dictate the nature of your relationship.  The conditioned mind will rehash history habitually/automatically so that even against your best wishes, you may find yourself slipping back into old habits of interacting with the other person.  Resolve to catch your mind in its old routines and give it a new direction, eg

I am going to talk to XX as if I am meeting her/him for the first time!

I will allow myself to smile.  I will not assume I know what s/he means.

I will ask questions with sincere interest.

I will talk about pleasant, shared experiences or hardships that have been jointly overcome.

If I start to get angry or resentful, I will gently and lovingly remove myself from the situation or I will gently and lovingly tell XX how I am feeling and request that I be given some space and time to cool down…

You will be amazed at how willing and flexible your mind can be when it is handled firmly and wisely!  Understand though, that it not just about telling it what not to do but more importantly, telling it what to do!

Well, I hope you find something useful here.  When I have used these practices myself, I have been awe-struck by how powerful, effective and instantaneous the results have been.  It is as if the (sometimes long-standing) tension between myself and the other suddenly disappears, leaving an atmosphere of freedom and freshness in its place!  As I said, all this and more are covered in greater detail and with exercises, reflections and meditations in The Love Course :-).

Lucy Lopez

Awakening to Happiness!

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