Lying, as you probably know, is a direct assault on our peace of mind and, consequently, our happiness.  While we generally recognize the intentional lies that we or others tell, most of us do not recognize the ‘unintentional lies’ that come out of our mouths so ‘naturally’ and habitually.  Let me explain.

One of the things that I help my clients to do is to speak accurately.  In fact, I sometimes tease them about being compulsive liars :-).  What do I mean by that?   Take a look at the sentence below:

I suffer from anxiety.

In terms of its tense and the durability of its claim, is it any different to this sentence:

They have a son

No, it isn’t.

Both sentences occur in the simple present tense and therefore reflect ongoing truths/situations.  Take the second sentence, for instance.  Most of us will reasonably expect that the people who have a son will continue to have a son.  The ongoing nature of that truth is built into the tense of the sentence.  In fact, the tense of that sentence is seeded with  a certain intent or expectation!

The same applies in this sentence: “I suffer from anxiety”.  It too, has built into it the meaning of something ongoing, something that is expected to continue, in this case, anxiety.

People are often careless with their words, lacking mindfulness in what they say.  They often speak on autopilot.  In other words, they rely on past scripts that are tucked away in their subconscious mind and that are automatically retrieved in response to aural, physical, visual and other kinds of stimuli/cues.  As a result, they often make statements that perpetuate a condition or situation or event including those that they wish to change!

Now, whilst it may be true that you may have experienced (note that I say ‘experienced’ rather than ’suffered from’) anxiety in the past and often and intensely, by saying ‘I suffer from anxiety’, you are allowing that experience/condition to be an ongoing one.  You are expecting it to continue.

The simple present tense is used to express a situation that is not expected to change.  If you want to cease ’suffering from anxiety’ than one of the things you must do is not anticipate it in any way, whether through your thoughts, words or actions.

Anticipation is really a magnet of attraction!

So, how can you express yourself in this situation?  Simple.  Speak accurately.  Say exactly what is true.  For example, you might say:

“I experienced anxiety over the last six years.  I experienced it almost everyday for the last six years.  I  felt awful when I felt anxious.  I was unable to do my work effectively and sometimes, I even stayed away from work because I could not face my colleagues…”

See how that is different to this:

“I suffer from anxiety.  I have had it for six years now.  I suffer from anxiety everyday. I feel awful when I feel anxious.  I am unable to work effectively and sometimes, I even stay away from work because I cannot face my colleagues…”

To start with, apart from being technically inaccurate, the second set of statements is psychologically disabling, condemning you to a supposedly predestined future, one that you are not able to influence!

So, if you really want to change something in your life, be very mindful of how you think and speak about it!  Above all, stop being a compulsive liar!

Lucy Lopez

Mentoring for Self-Awareness, Freedom and Happiness!

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This is the question that I asked people in a survey that I recently conducted at my other blog, The Mentor’s Method. In that survey about Happiness and The Perfect Relationship, I asked people to make a choice from one of the following:

- Happiness
- The Perfect Relationship
- Happiness even without the Perfect Relationship
- The Perfect Relationship even without Happiness
- I don’t know. It’s too confusing.

I have looked at the responses and written about my interpretations as well as looked into the beliefs and attitudes that underlie each choice. I think you will find the results and my interpretations worth reading. So do take a look here: Which would you prefer? Happiness or The Perfect Relationship? I would love to hear what your thoughts are regarding the survey, the results and my interpretations, so do leave a comment!

Anyway, aside from wanting to invite you to look at that post, my reason for mentioning it here is to explore, a little, the issue of choice. In particular, I would like to look at why we sometimes find making a choice difficult.

I distinctly remember times in the past when I would agonize over choices or decisions (which are also choices) I had to make. More than anything else, I was afraid of making the ‘wrong’ choice/decision. But there were also times when I struggled because I was afraid of the difficulty associated with a particular choice/decision. These days, however, I am less inclined to be fearful of either making a ‘wrong’ choice/decision or any perceived difficulty that I might associate with that choice/decision. Why do suppose that has happened?

I attribute this change to four main things:

1) My realization that there is no such thing as a ‘wrong’ choice/decision
2) My realization that any ‘difficulty’ that I perceive is a result of past experiences that have no bearing on future events unless I allow them to
3) My growing faith that all things, including choices/decisions and the outcomes of these, are just so – perfect
4) My growing ability to feel my way towards a choice/decision

I’d like to briefly discuss the first of these in this post.

There is no such thing as a ‘wrong’ decision

When I examine it, ‘wrong’ is a judgment I make about a choice/decision because its outcome is one that I do not want or like. This applies to any outcome including those that others may view as morally defined eg murder. The bottom line is that my choice/decision is an outcome that I am not happy or comfortable with, regardless of what beliefs, moral positions or past experiences underlie it.

In reviewing past and current choices/decisions, I have come to realize that a choice/decision in one situation may not be appropriate in another. In fact, I now find it important and necessary to view each situation as a unique one, calling me to make a choice/decision that is specific to it, allowing neither past nor future events to interfere with it.

This does not mean that I do not allow myself to be guided by past experiences or even projections about future possibilities. Of course I do, but I choose to use these judiciously, regarding them as possibilities rather than probabilities. Nothing is set in stone. Everything, including my beliefs and attitudes, is open to review and change. If anything, my past experiences and future projections provide rich data that enable me to examine my beliefs and attitudes. To me, this is critical, for after all, it is my beliefs and attitudes that determine the choices I make, not my experiences!

Thus, even if the actions that I take and the words that I say may appear similar to past situations, I am making them in full and free consciousness or awareness of the situation at hand and no other. When I do this, I am freed from the tyranny of absolutism i.e. viewing a choice/decision as always right/wrong. Instead, I choose to think in terms of what is useful, given the information at hand (which is never complete) in this particular situation and based on what I have set as my goal.

I also remind myself that judgments of ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ are always retrospective. They are based on outcomes of past choices/decisions. These outcomes are forms of information themselves that we did not have at the time of the choice/decision-making! To judge them, therefore, as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ is not something I consider useful. On the other hand, to consider if they have been ‘useful’ or ‘not so useful’ with respect to a particular goal that I had in mind allows me to review my choice/decision and its ensuing events much more objectively and freely.

Well, these are some of my thoughts on the matter of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ choices/decisions. What about you? Do you find it difficult to make choices/decisions sometimes? Why do you think you do?

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